Feeling out of sorts lately. Today was a rough one. I was diagnosed as bipolar last month. That was a bit of a shock... but not really. I have been reading up on depression - trying to figure out why I can't snap out of it some days. I have realized I have some days that I'm doing more and expending more energy than I realize - but the depressed days are definitely more than ever. Bipolar did come up in my reading, but I never really thought it could be that. The doctor gave me a questionnaire, asked me a lot of questions and just talked to me. His opinion was that I was "soft bipolar." That is, I have distinct mood swings but on a a scale that doesn't interfere with my ability to lead a normal life. I can do that, it just takes more effort than a normal person, my bad days are worse than most people care to understand, and my "up" days are anxiety-ridden. There are normal days inbetween and I can fake it pretty good when I want to. This has pretty much been my life as far as I can remember it so I've always thought it to be normal. It's hard for me to believe that other people don't ever feel this way. So doc explains that this is a chemical thing in my brain - yes I understand - and is adding undue stress on my mind and spirit. He prescribed a drug called Lamictil. I've been on it for three weeks - my anxiety is better, I'm way more mellow but my depression is worse than ever. Today was definitely the lowest point and I switched between crying spells and a stony/numbness. It's hard to be a good mom like this. I'll call the doctor on Monday. Something needs to change.
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